GO

It's been about 4 months since I've blog about my life. A collection of events has occurred in the span of 4 months. Lets see, I've been to East Asia, I've gotten into core Social Work classes, I've gotten to guest blog!, I've seen God reveal Himself in incredible ways, etc. The year 2013 was very good to me.  

A reoccurring question that comes to my thoughts is: What is a calling? How do we distinguish our desires from His callings? 

I never felt "called" to travel to Asia for my Christmas break. I never recall feeling "called" to go to Haiti the first time either. I just went. But I've grown so much from those trips! The Father taught me so much about His heart for all nations through just going. He's revealed to me the plans He has for my life which includes telling the world about His amazing, redeeming love. 

I was very close to staying in Hattiesburg this summer and missing out on a summer in Haiti. But God took my heart and showed me what He wants for me. My precious advisor/teacher gave me beautiful words of encouragement which helped me make my decision of returning... "He has commissioned us to GO. How many more times will you have this opportunity to travel? What does it matter if you have to be behind one semester in school? Listen to what He wants." 

After much prayer and consideration, I have decided to return to Haiti for this summer with Praying Pelican Missions! I am beyond stoked to see where the Lord is going to take me with Haiti and the whole world. 

So if you have been discouraged of where you are going and listening to His call in your life, just go. Just do it. He will teach you so much than you could ever fathom. I have committed to praying for whoever is reading this. I am asking our Father to open your heart to opportunities and moments that are going to open up your heart to whatever He has for life. You are free in Christ. 

My bags are packed, just sold everything I own, got a one way ticket, hope it takes me where I need to go. Thank you but no, I'm not buying what this world is selling me. Might look pretty but it ain't my home. 'Cause I've been washed in the water and He has made me a light. Like a city that can't keep hidden, I'm gonna let it shine. 

Go tell your friends and go tell your folks. My heart is torn but it's time I go because these feet of mine were made for foreign shores. I'm glad they understand that He's got a big ole heart for the whole wide world. I've been washed in the water and He has made me a light. Like a city that can't keep hidden, I'm gonna let it shine. This is little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. 

Kim, me, and Elena

Elena writing in my song book

Fuarry and I 

grace

"Grace, what have you done? Murdered for me on that cross."

It was just me and my roommate watching an episode of New Girl, eating lunch in between classes. There was a knock on the door. We both looked at each other because we weren't expecting anybody. I hesitated to open the door. When I opened it, there stood 2 younger guys. Looked my age. Dressed up in suits. Not anything suspicious. I introduced myself and my roommate joined me by the doorstep. We talked about where we were going to school, our studies, what church we attended, and asked them the same questions. They were very friendly. Then they got down to why they were at our doorstep. 

"Who is Jesus to you? What is the impact He's made in your life?" They asked. 

My roommate gave her answer and I agreed with her. They were good questions to consider as a follower of Christ. I figured they were just 2 guys from a youth group doing some outreach around the block. But then, out of their satchel came the Book of Mormon. I was taken by surprise that this was happening. I don't have much knowledge of other religions. They wanted us to keep the book and look at it. Thankfully my roommate is more bold than I and refused to take it. Her words were, "I'm just really grounded in what I believe. The Bible says we're not to add or to take away from it." They asked to pray with us and we hesitated but agreed to pray with them. 

We walked back in and were fairly shocked at the whole situation. 

A few hours later, I researched, googled, YouTubed, and read some of the Word to learn more about Mormonism. There were some similarities to Christianity and many other differences. The one main thing it came down to was grace. Mormons have a hard time accepting grace. The believe in works. They have to work to earn a higher status in the church. 

The truth is, our works are like filthy rags to Him.

Grace.

"But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift."

Ephesians 4:7

The Lord freely offers grace to us. It is a gift. I understand how it's hard for them to accept His grace. Most of the time, it's hard for me to fully grasp this. We can't, absolutely cannot do anything to earn His grace. It's a scandal! His grace is a scandal. He took our shame, our deepest sins, our punishment and we're suppose to just accept His gift to us? I mean, what is that? What are You doing, God? How do You think I'm going to take Your gift and not do anything? 

But He delighted in taking our struggles from us. He takes pleasure in giving us His grace. 

"For the Lord takes pleasure in his people; 

he adorns the humble with salvation."

Psalm 149:4

I could keep talking about grace and all of it's goodness but all I can think is.......grace. Wow. Just grace. 

ah saturdays

It's a Saturday. 
It's 4:35 pm and I haven't moved from the couch since I awoke from my slumber.
The thought ran through my brain to go to the Southern Miss football game at 3. But 3 o'clock came by and I thought, "Eh." 
I put in another season of Boy Meets World, make a cup of coffee, and pull up a few blogs worth reading. 

What am I doing? Where am I going with this?

I feel peace. Peace about my life and where I'm going. God has given me a huge sense of peace about my singleness, my location, my circumstances, my struggles, my strengths. You see, I have peace about struggles and weaknesses because through it, I'm forced to lean on the Lord. Which is the absolute best place to lean. I have peace knowing He will carry me through it and use it for His glory. 

It's been evident God has been working in my life since returning from Haiti. Of course, it was difficult adjusting back to the American college life but God has taken this moment in my life to show more of His power and love. I've opened myself to the opportunity to go to China this Christmas! Maybe even a chance to go to Thailand next summer! 

God is good. I'm excited to see where He will take me in the world until I reach my real Home. 

Here's a song about God's glory and how amazing He is. Turn the volume up, close your eyes, and listen to the Lord. 

si Bondye vle

Tomorrow will mark 4 weeks since I've been back in America. It was hands down the best summer of my life. Seeing God work through me despite of me, being with teams all across North America coming in willing to serve, loving on kids from Good Shepherd, Life Is Hope, Pastor Josue's, and the various communities, working alongside an incredible (and when I say incredible, it doesn't quite justify just how AMAZING) staff, both American and Haitian. This is what made my summer the best. Why don't I go ahead and do the picture part of this blog? Everyone likes to see pictures more than reading, right? 

Ellie (one of the best, scratch that, THE best bus drivers ever) and I playing the hand-slapping game. Thank you, Ellie, for all you do. 

Louvens. One of the kids from Pastor Josue's orphanage. I had one of my best moments with him. After not seeing him for three weeks, the moment we saw each other, we ran and embraced each other. Thank You, Lord, for those sweet reminders You place before me.

So I met a really cool girl in Haiti who also lives in Hattiesburg, MS which is where we both go to school! What what! We had the chance to meet up the other day for coffee. Then I went to Petal Harvey to see the rest of the team that came to Haiti. Thank you, Rachel Charpie, for being amazing and introducing our staff to 'Called Me Higher'. 

Marlo and I being models....well, trying to be models. Marlo is one pretty amazing person I had the chance to work with. Thank you, Marlo, for teaching me more about Haiti and God's heart for Haiti. 

Left to right: Jośue, Caroline, Bethany, Odne, Kathryn, myself, Jovani.

The amazing staff I was talking about. Good grief, I don't know if my time in Haiti could've been as amazing without them. Thank you guys for being servants of the Lord and opening yourselves up to let me learn from you.

Celebrating Fourth of July with Bethany, Caroline, and Kathryn. We tried to get our Haitians to watch fireworks with us but they weren't as interested. Thank you America? 

Not really sure of these guys names. But this is at Good Shepherd where Sister Mona has kids from the community come everyday to eat bread and a boiled egg. She's very passionate about Haiti and others seeing the beauty of Haiti. Thank you, Sister Mona, for your heart and the way you fully rely on God because you know that He will provide. 

Kaden's in Petionville. Some of the best pizza that has ever gone in my mouth. Thank you, Kaden's, for giving the PPM staff an amazing pizza experience. 

Some of the kids in Gressier. One day while out working, another leader and I were taking a water break and these kids were sitting around together, talking about the bible story from the previous day as they sang different praise songs. It was such a blessing to see. Thank You, Lord, for using us to show the love of Christ. 

Bethany made American/ Italian spaghetti! We told our Haitian staff they couldn't use the ketchup unless they tried it first. But they were sneaking the ketchup. Thank you, friends, for sharing these experiences with me and encouraging me to keep seeking Him. 

Preparing a share service for FBC Terry. Drinking coffee and digging for words to say. Thank you, coffee, for giving me inspiration. #lamecoffee

As my time in Haiti drew to a close, questions I asked myself often were 1) Is this going to be my life? 2) Should I do this again next summer? Something Haitians say on a daily basis is 'Si Bondye vle' (if God wants). I could keep asking myself these questions over and over. Maybe find some kind of answer. Or I could say, 'Si Bondye vle' and trust He has my life in His hands. I've heard that's the safest place we'll ever be. I've tried to understand every single emotion I've felt since returning but understanding will never bring me peace. Not the peace I'm searching for. We, as humans, are always trying to understand rather than simply trusting. Understanding will only leave me searching for more answers. Trusting in the One Who is peace Himself will give me more than I'll ever need. 

It's been obvious God has put Haiti in my life for a purpose. He's brought me back for a purpose too. What those purposes are? I don't know. Si Bondye vle, He'll continue bringing back to Haiti. Si Bondye vle, He'll keep me right where I am. Whatever location I'm in whether that be global or local, I am His. I am His follower and that means I continue to make disciples until the end of the age. As American Christians, we are caught up in only thinking "missionaries" go to live in another country. If we think we're not called to go, we breath a sigh of relief and shrug it off. While, that's not exactly biblical. Some people are called to go and live in a foreign country. But that doesn't mean the others are off the hook. We do the same things right where we are. So in the meantime while I'm in Hattiesburg, MS, I will commit to being a missionary here. Until God keeps pursuing me back to Haiti. Or other places, who knows. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

{pro 3:5}

what now?

The summer is almost over. Which means my time in Haiti is almost over. I'll have to say bye to all the amazing friends I've made. I'll go home to see family and other friends, tell them all about what God did in Haiti. Try my best to adjust back to American culture. I'll pack my things and get ready to move to school. Then school starts. Reality will begin again. I'll ask myself, "What now?" 

I know that He will continue to work through me in the States as He did in Haiti. But I can't help ask myself, "What now?" Do I keep coming back in the summers? Do I need to go other places? What now? 

I'm not certain on where God will lead me next but I am sure that the God who holds me is the God who knows every one of my thoughts. For now, my answer to "What now?" is go home, love people there, and finish school. Maybe God will keep bringing me back to Haiti, maybe He'll bring me somewhere else. For that I'll just say, "Who knows?" 

higher, deeper

Take a look at this face. His name is Jovincent. He's from Life Is Hope and he brings so much joy to me everytime I see this smile.

I think back to the few moments I had to answer to people who were questioning me coming to Haiti for two months. "Why are you doing this? Aren't you scared?" I tried my best to share with them what God is doing in my life and listening to His calls. I hoped they would understand and not believe that I was out of my mind. But I even started asking myself those questions. "Why am I doing this? You're scared." I had only been to Haiti twice for 2 weeks of my life. I barely knew Haiti and now I was about to go and not come back for awhile. 

I see his face and I know. 

When my heart is faint, 

Lead me to the rock

that is higher than I,

for you have been my refuge.

{ps 61:2-3}

There are only a few songs that speak directly to me. Called Me Higher by All Sons & Daughters first came to my ears when I received the call I would be serving in Haiti this summer. Read this blog. It spoke to me again a few days before I left. It spoke to me once more last week with a team from Petal, MS. But you have called me higher..You have called me deeper..And I will go where you will lead me Lord...You have called me higher...You have called me deeper...And I will go where you lead me Lord...Where you lead me...Where you lead me Lord. In the times of frustration because the power is out and I'm in the shower, He has called me higher. In the chaos of plans going wrong, He has called me deeper. In the moment of my doubt, He has called me to this. 

I see his face again. I hear Jesus speaking, "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." Because I am not of the world, He is continually calling me higher than myself. Seeing Jovincent, Bebe, Darleen, Anne, and many other precious faces that remind me of the grace I don't deserve, I know it's worth it. I know without the blood I was never meant to live this life and I'm forever grateful. 

I see His face and I know. 

draw near

During the week, most of my days look like this: Wake up, get ready for the day, go to worksite, stay there until time to go somewhere else, come back to lodging facility, freshen up, eat dinner, have nightly worship with the teams, do trip journal, and go to bed. Then repeat. 

I've found it difficult to find a period of time in the day to meet with God. But you say, you're on a mission trip. How could it possibly be hard to stay intimate with God during a time where you're constantly thinking of serving the Lord? The sole purpose I'm here is to serve God, love Him, learn from Him, and do everything He has called me to. So why is it hardest to keep an intimate relationship going while doing His will? 

In James 4:8, it says "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you". Draw near. Although I'm here serving the Lord, if I'm not drawing near to the throne, I won't feel Him moving in me. When I find myself without talking to my Father all day, I'll say 'Well, God knows my heart'. Yes, He does know my heart. But He's also a Father who ENJOYS hearing from His children. Just think of how much it fills your heart when someone who dearly love, pours their heart out to you because they trust in you. Isn't it the same for our God? And He is so much bigger than ourselves therefore He's ready to hear about our days and what we feel. Draw near to Him. 

If you read my previous post, I said a prayer through my blog. Every post I do in Haiti, I want to end in a prayer so that whoever might read, will pray the same. I want to open myself up and be vulnerable in my struggles. I felt a need to talk about having difficulty drawing near to God through the weeks in Haiti but I almost didn't because I didn't want people to know I'm struggling in that area. I'm realizing I don't have to keep on a front because we all struggle in some way. 

Daddy God, it's hard to have an intimate relationship with You through these long, hard days. I'm constantly making sure I've got team names down, I'm building a relationship with them, or out on a worksite constructing a home. While I love all of these, it can be draining and exhausting. Daddy God, I see You working through all of that but sometimes I just need to be alone and have time with You alone. I need to be filled by Your spirit, Your Presence in order to give myself to others. God, I completely trust You with everything in me. I know that You can make time for me to meet with You in the stillness. I know that You can give me rest to fully be awakened by Your holiness. 

Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

Matthew 11:28-30