it's a new day, it's a new year

Can you believe it's the last day of 2012? Like every year, it sure did fly. As I sit and think of every major event to the small things of this year, God used them all to draw me closer to His love and His peace. I honestly can say I feel like a completely different person from a year ago. 

At the beginning of 2012, I was a freshman at Southern Mississippi trying to find God's will in my life. Saying God was going to use me in the field of Interior Design when it was clear I was gonna do what I wanted with my life and fit God somewhere into that. I found myself chasing everything other than God's heart and being fearful of stretching my faith because of where it might lead me. The summer came and my first international trip to Haiti was approaching and I felt I could throw up because of what God could do whether it was good or bad. But God radically transformed my thoughts and mind to His will in my life. I had a tremendous change of heart during my stay in Port-Au-Prince, Haiti. Children at Life Is Hope orphanage captured my heart, taught me the true meaning of grace and love, and showed me the picture of Jesus. (As I reminisce of that week, I am sobbing because of how much my heart longs to be there again and see their faces). God showed me that He wants to use me in missions. I knew this without a doubt but I didn't know what, why, how, or where. I just knew. So, not knowing much of this calling God was laying on my heart and handling the weird emotions that come along with being back in America, I let my emotions get the best of me. I transferred to community college with the intentions of figuring things out there. In which, I learned I could've done that at USM but the past is the past and I know God will use this time for His glory. I quickly saw the affects and consequences of my choices. I am stuck at community college and with a crap phone for awhile. Then the burden God gave my heart for missions was starting to happen and I was accepted by Praying Pelican Missions to be a summer intern in one of their host countries for 7 weeks! And that's about where this year is ending for me.

As I briefly reflected on this year, I notice just how much God was evident in my life. In the good and bad times. From breaking my heart and tearing down the walls I built from letting God transform me to opening my eyes to truly see in Haiti. From the confusion and chaos praying and searching for His will to finally seeing that door opened from Praying Pelican. 

God has been good. 

"So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

Knowing 2013 is just around the corner makes me excited and anxious because I'm one step closer to finding out where I'll be sent to be a summer intern. God already knows and that gives me hope. Sometimes I wish He could just whisper it in my ear. 

Lord, I am not the person I was last year trying to hold onto the desires I wanted for my life. I know You have called me to die to myself and take up my cross. I know that I am not my own. Thank You for pouring out Your love on me when all I wanted was to be selfish. Next summer, send me where You want to use me. I am Yours all the days of my life. There is nothing else my heart desires but to be in Your presence. 

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

As this year draws to a close, receive My Peace. This is still your deepest need, and I, your Prince of Peace, long to pour Myself into your neediness. My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match. I designed you to have no sufficiency of your own. I created you as a jar of clay, set apart for sacred use. I want you to be filled with My very Being, permeated through and through with Peace.

Thank Me for My peaceful Presence, regardless of your feelings. Whisper My Name in loving tenderness. My Peace, which lives continually in your spirit, will gradually work its way through your entire being.

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

jesus is here

It's Christmas Eve Eve at 11:05 pm, pretty close to Christmas Eve. I'm sitting in my bed with my new jammies on and I'm trying my best to put myself there, that night. That night that everything changed. The night where our Savior came into the world as a baby boy. 

"All right then, the Lord himself will give you the sign. Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son and will call him Immanuel (which means 'God is with us')." (Isaiah 7:14)

They waited. We waited. 

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices. 

He's here. He could've left us on our own but he's here.

I really wish I could've been one of the wise men, a shepherd, or even a sheep just to experience what a truly, holy night that was. 

"For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." (Isaiah 9:6)

It's Christmas, y'all. Go tell it on the mountain that Jesus Christ is born because He is good. 

happy exams!

iHola! Como esta usted? 

One exam down. Four to go. One of which is Spanish. Through the semester, I've been intrigued by the language. So many rules and meanings that an English speaker may not understand. 

As I take a break from my studies and grab a cup of coffee, I feel very inadequate. I feel inadequate to learn a second language. I feel inadequate about coming out with a decent GPA this semester. I feel inadequate about serving in another country leading church teams over the summer. Why does God chose me for these tasks that I can't seem to grasp? Of all people, why me? 

I wonder if Moses ever thought, "God, why me? Why have you used me to guide your people out of Egypt? Why are you using me? I am not capable of any of this." I wonder if he ever felt the way I do now.

" But Moses pleaded with the Lord, 'O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied and my words get tangled." (Exodus 4:10)

Well, that answers my question. Moses did feel the way I feel now! He pleaded with God. "God, I'm not very good at this! Do you really want to use me for this task?" Then God simply reminds Moses....

" Then the Lord asked Moses, 'Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." (Exodus 4:11-12)

God assured Moses that He would always be with Him. And the crazy thing is, God has every right to snatch that opportunity away from me for even asking! Instead, He says in a lovingly, Fatherly manner, "Brittni, didn't I form your mouth in your mother's womb? Don't you know I am always with you? I love you so much so that I sent my Son to earth to live among you and die a death He didn't deserve. I did that so that you may know Me and draw near to Me. I have plans for your life but you have to trust me and know that I will equip you. "

"The Lord replied, 'I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest- everything will  be fine for you." (Exodus 33:14)

I am not adequate. Humanly speaking, I'm not capable for next summer. God made a promise that He would equip me and give me the skills to fulfill His purpose. I am so encouraged by this today. Be encouraged that He will enable you to do whatever He calls you to! How great is our God?!?

"And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and You are the potter. We all are formed by Your hand." 

Isaiah 64:8

the church

What is the church? Is it about Baptists, Presbyterians, Catholics, Methodists? Is it about raising our hands, praying, or kneeling at an alter? I find myself wondering this often.

When Jesus walked on the earth, He went to the most broken, the least good. In fact, it was always the most sinful He ministered to. He touched them and healed them and loved them back. They needed Him. I will go ahead and say I don't want to be a Pharisee. I always find it odd that the Pharisees were religious people. They should've been the very people to want to see Jesus and hug him. But they rejected him. They despised the Son of God. Please read Matthew 23. 

We tend to get caught up in playing church, being religious, following the rules, and looking like a dang Pharisee. It breaks my heart because Jesus doesn't honor that. I remember the first time it occurred to me that my life looked more like the lives of the people Jesus rebuked than the people Jesus drew near to. When I read the words of Christ, I felt a call to fall on my face. I lived like a Pharisee in all my pride and arrogance. See, I liked to feel good about myself. I preferred high places where I was numb to a place where my face was wet from tears because I realized how hopeless I was apart from Jesus. I've learned to fall on my face a lot. I fall because I can't keep pretending I am okay when I'm not. But I also fall because I find God in the sand. I find God with my face in it. And then He gets to be the lifter of my head, rather than my pride. 

"I hate all your show and pretense- the hypocrisy of your religious festivals and solemn assemblies. I will not accept your burnt offerings and grain offerings. I won't even notice all your choice peace offerings. Away with your noisy hymns of praise! I will not listen to the music of your harps. Instead, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, an endless river of righteous living." (Amos 5:21-24)

What is the church? It's not a show. It's not about singing hymns. It's not about our pride. The book of Acts is famous for how the church should look like. It shows how the church continues the work that Jesus began. 

"All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had. The apostles testified powerfully to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and God's great blessing was upon them all. There were no needy people among them, because those who owned land or houses would sell them and bring the money to the apostles to give to those in need." (Acts 4:32-35)

These people just saw a man die and rise from the dead! They didn't care! They didn't say, "Hey lets get together and practice community and fellowship" and went about their business. They were on this mission because they saw someone rise from the grave. They saw Him on a cross and they saw Him die. They didn't care about any of their stuff. They made it their mission to tell people there is life after death. It's radical. But it makes sense. What would not have made sense if those people saw all these things and all they did was gather in a small room every Sunday, sang songs, and then a guy taught. And did the same thing the next Sunday...the Sunday after that and so on. Sometimes they would even throw in 10% of their income. That wouldn't have made sense at all. So why do so many people in the church do that? 

What is the church? Jesus treated the church as his bride. He loved her. We are a body. We are the body of Christ. We are his hands and feet. We reach the broken. We grow. We go. We lead. We give. We send. We teach. We worship. We pray. Most importantly, we love. 

I know this is all over the place. My heart just spilled out. 

called me higher

It happened. 

Wednesday morning, I was in my morning routine of quiet time with the Lord, journaling my thoughts, and just thinking of how much I wanted to eat on Thanksgiving when I got.....the call. Praying Pelican Missions called me to say what I've been feeling since the summer. I am now a PPM staff member summer intern. Most likely in the country of Haiti but we'll see. 

God is good. All the time. I've been learning more and more these days that when God gives you a burden or calling on your heart, listen to it. I guarantee it's for a purpose. His purpose. He is leading you to a higher place. Somewhere you can't get on your own. Somewhere where you have to lean fully on Him. It's for His amazing plan He has if we are willing to follow His will above ours, obey, and trust. 

I am beyond excited. I am also terrified. It's scary. I think it's suppose to be scary though. Otherwise, I would be relying on my strengths and not His. If it wasn't scary, I wouldn't need to take a giant step of faith. I will continue to trust Him to guide and direct me. He is all I need. 

Thank you for your prayers. 

I will stop on this note because I just might go on and on. Romans 8:29-30 says, "For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory."

Called Me Higher by All Sons & Daughters

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your presence

And I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me Lord

You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you lead me Lord

Where you lead me

Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my life

So let Your mercy light the path before me

Isaac and Rebekah

"Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

"Jesus replied to them, 'Have faith in God. I assure you: If anyone says to this mountain, 'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, all the things you pray and ask for-believe that you have received them, and you will have them.'" Mark 11:22-24

I think we should take prayer seriously. I know I have been guilty of telling someone, "I'm gonna pray for you" and not or falling asleep at night saying a prayer. There is POWER in prayer! P-O-W-E-R! Should we look up the definition of power? I think so. Did you see that? The ability to act or to produce an effect. Prayer is powerful but we also see effects through it. Prayer is not to be used a wish list for things we want but just so God can hear our hearts. Of course, He already knows our heart. You know how you can tell if your friend or your parents are mad but they want say it? It gets on your nerves if they keep hiding their emotions but it's obvious they are mad. I think that relates to God and us. He knows. But He still desires for us to come to Him. "Come to Me all who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). He wants to hear what we think about and to ask for His will to be done. 

Genesis 24 is great. It's the story of how Isaac and Rebekah meet. Isaac just lost his mother, Sarah. He is mourning, heartbroken, and in pain. Abraham, Isaac's father, sends his servant to find a wife for Isaac because I guess it's that time in a young man's life back then. Abraham gave specific instructions and that made his servant nervous that maybe he wouldn't find the right woman. (It would make me nervous, fo sho). But he swore an oath that he would bring Isaac a wife. He began his journey and he found a water well where he stopped to check out some ladies. He began to pray as he was checking them out. "O Lord, give me success today and show unfailing love to my master, Abraham..." (Gen. 24:12) Before he was finished praying, Rebekah appeared with her water jug. Now how stinkin' cool is that?! Can I get an amen? Then servant went over to chat with her and before you know it, he found a wife for Isaac. God led him to that particular well for a purpose. God heard his prayer and sent Rebekah. "The Lord has made my mission successful.." (Gen. 24:56) They return to Abraham and Isaac. Isaac is found meditating trying to find some kind of peace about his mother's death. Then he sees Rebekah...talk about love at first sight. Or as I like to say, an answer to a cry. "Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah and took Rebekah to be his wife. Isaac loved her, and he was comforted after his mother's death" (Gen. 24:67). She was Isaac's comfort. Can I get another amen?

This story compels me. The servant prayed and spotted Rebekah. Isaac prayed and found comfort. Prayer is important. It's not wishes we get from our genie if we rub our bottle correctly. It's much much more greater than that. It's finding solutions to something hard. It's finding strength amongst something painful. It's seeing good in something terrible. It's experiencing the Lord's faithfulness everyday. 

My call is to pray. All day. Errday. 

pray with me

"You know what I am going to say 

even before I say it, Lord. 

You go before me and follow me.

You place your hand of blessing on 

my head."

Psalm 139:4-5

I read this over and over today at 12:00 in the afternoon knowing I had an interview with Praying Pelican Missions over the phone at 1:00 pm. I applied for their summer college internship in one of their host countries in which I would be apart of a 3-6 leadership team leading mission trips. Responsibilities could include lining up ministry opportunities and ministry sites, restaurants, recreation, and transportation. It could also include preparing breakfast and snacks, leading worship and debriefing, participating in meetings, and generally guiding each church’s trip. The goal is to use each team member’s strengths and interests to best serve the churches and groups. 

I prayed for God to give me words and to calm my heart. I prayed that I would trust that this is in His hands and He has already gone before me. I prayed that He would assure me that this burden on my heart for missions is from Him and not from me. I prayed He would be glorified through my words and His light would shine through me. 

I am confident in my answers. I am confident that God will use me whether I am accepted or not. I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to hear that I will certainly be leading teams and serving in Haiti next summer. 

Can I ask you to pray with me? Pray for my patience and strength until my next phone call from PPM. Pray for my friend, Caroline, who is also waiting on this call. Pray for clarity that this is God's will. Pray that God would continue to stir up this need on my heart. Pray that I trust Him to completely take care of me.

little red shoes

I have these cute, little red shoes. They are my favorite pair of shoes I own. I don't know why because they aren't very special. I think I paid $3 for them at Dirt Cheap. I can wear my dull outfits and put these shoes on and they just pop. The only thing about them is they hurt my feet. They're painful to wear because they scrap the side of my foot leaving scars. But I bear the pain and wear them anyway because I just love them that much. 

Why on earth am I going on and on about a pair of shoes?

I am an analogy freak. That's why.

When I experience pain walking with the Lord, I will continue to put on the armor of God and bear the pain just because I love Him that much. Facing the difficult times is nothing compared to the joy I have in Him! Knowing Him and growing in relationship with Him is the greatest thing I'll ever know. So what hard times? Bring it. He has been through pain seeing His Son on the cross dying my death. Christ died a horrible, tragic, sinner's death. Who was that sinner? That was you and me. Therefore, I can handle abandoning my plans for His even though it may cause pain. I can handle the hard times that are teeny compared to what Christ did for me. He cares and said we'd never be alone. "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand" (Isaiah 41:10). So I will put on my little red shoes and deal with the pain because I love Him that much. 

"Our lives are in his hands, and he keeps our feet from stumbling." (Psalm 66:9)

When I arrived back to the States from Haiti 4 months ago, I immediately applied for a summer internship with Praying Pelican Missions. I knew I had yearning desire to be back in Haiti and a burden on my heart for missions. I finally have an interview next Tuesday over the phone with PPM. My beautiful best friend, Caroline, applied for the same position and has already had her interview. It would be great if we could do it together but I'm not expecting that. I want to do this but if God sees it fit, He will make it happen. If He doesn't, you know the rest. Please pray for guidance, words, patience, and strength. 

He is jealous for me

"Love is jealous....especially God's love. He wants me, and I want everybody else." 

These are the precious word's from Jennie Allen's book Anything. I encourage everybody to run to the Barnes & Noble or your library to pick up a copy and read it. Now. It's a beautiful story of a cute, happy, comfortable family that loves the Lord but does not suffer. She and her husband begin praying a prayer of anything. They will do anything to serve God in the way they need to. I won't give too much away because I want you to read it. I have been inspired to pray the same prayer. The first time I prayed, I knew I was sincere about it. I was ready for God to do anything in my life. The second time I prayed, I started thinking of all the anything's and it scared me. What if God did this? What if this happens? Will I take back this prayer for anything? Can I handle it? But I am assured that as a Christian, I will suffer whether I pray anything or not. For it is only through suffering, I am closer to Him. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy" (James 1:2). I am anxious to see what God will do through anything. 

Let's get back the jealous love. 

This morning, I read from Hosea. God called his servant Hosea to marry a prostitute, Gomer. They had three children together and despite the loving, uplifting, and Godly qualities of Hosea, Gomer was unfaithful. She continued to go back to men that abused her and never loved her back. In the midst of all the disaster Gomer is causing, God says things like, "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there" (Hos. 2:14). I think of my life and all the other loves I chase after instead of God. Appearance, money, acceptance, feelings... I am embarrassed of these. I get so caught up in trying to live a cute, happy life with a cute college degree, then marry a cute boy, buy a cute house, have cute kids, cute cute cute cute. This is the life I find myself chasing after. My God is jealous. He wants me and I want other things. He wants to use me and I want a cute, safe life. 

Every time I look at my sins and other loves, I feel like He is looking down on me in disgust because my heart is out of control. Instead, He sweeps in, loves me, and redirects me. God wins me back just like He wins Gomer back. He chases me down and lures me back in. While I am running after everything else, He is running to me. When I think of what I dream of, God is better. I want Him more. Everyday I want to be filled by His spirit even if He calls me to live a life of singleness. He is worth every bit of it. Take these feet, take these hands, take this heart. If He is for me..who could ever be against me?

"When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of my 'my master'". (Hosea 2:16)

I am in love with this video and it relates to this. This should encourage every Godly woman out there that the Lord is enough.

delight yourself in the Lord

Aren't ya glad Monday is over? 

So I feel like all I talk about nowadays is God's will. What is His will for me? What does He want me to do? Where does He want me to go? Trust trust trust trust. 

The Lord opened my eyes more to His purpose in Sunday school this past week. "We may be willing but that might not be God's will." What? So you're saying even though I am willing to be a missionary in Africa but that may not be His will? Of course, I still live as a missionary, sharing the love of Christ, and walking with Him in the place I'm at. But what I'm getting to is, God plan is perfect and that is all I want for my life. He may not send me to another country even thought I think I've made it clear, I'm willing to do just that. 

Maybe this will be my last post about God's will..... 

Another thing! I've noticed when I take delight in Him, He equips me and gives me what I need to fulfill His purpose. For instance, all of the sudden since I spoke in front of my church after Haiti, I have this weird urge and excitement to speak in front of crowds when I get the chance. I still get nervous about being in front of numbers of people. I actually like speaking in front of a people. This is so not me. I am shy, quiet, and very to myself. When I was in Haiti, we had the chance to share our testimony, a devotion, or anything that God laid on our hearts to speak in front of the Haitian church. I've already begun preparing my testimony for when I return to Haiti in the spring! I know this is not on my own because I could ask anybody that has known me if they ever thought I would enjoy public speaking, they would say heck to the no. I don't know what God is doing in me but I have a feeling it's MUCH BIGGER than me.

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

"For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13

Have a happy and blessed Tuesday! I am praying for my readers just to let ya know!

come to Me

I am a dog lover. I love dogs. I would probably have 10 dogs if my mom would allow me. We have two dogs and a cat. Ginger is a shih tzu we've had since I was a baby freshman in high school. Charlotte is a mutt that was dropped off at our house and we took her in. Holly is our mean, obese cat that we've had since I was 9 years old. Every day, Ginger waits on me to get home so she can go outside. As soon as I open the door and step outside, Charlotte is jumping on me. Charlotte is not a little dog. She could push me over if she wanted to. She means no harm. All she wants is love and affection. Today, she jumped on me and I told her to get off me. I felt bad for being annoyed with her because I could tell I hurt her feelings. I'm sure some of you are saying, "Omg. It's a dog." You don't understand! Charlotte is the happiest dog I've ever seen! 

I started thinking. I'm so glad God is not like me. Our flesh needs that love and attention from God. What if God was like me with Charlotte and became annoyed and told us to go away when we ran to Him? This would be a terrible, miserable, some kind of awful life. Thank goodness He isn't like me! 

"Our Master Jesus has his arms wide open for you." (1 Corinthians 16:23 The Message). 

God's arms are always open. Period. Done. No questions asked. Run to Him and you will find out for yourself. There is nothing you can do to make His arms not available to you. Jesus said so lovely in Matthew 11, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." We are His children and He is our Father. His rest and His arms are out of this world. 

He doesn't shove you to the side when you call upon Him. He is eagerly waiting, listening, and acting. 

grab a mop

How I love Sundays. My Sunday routines are usually the same. Wake up around 7:30 am, shower and put on my face, meditate in the Word, grab a cup of coffee and head to church. At church, I'll go to Sunday school and discuss how God is working in the lives of my friends. After Sunday school, I head to 'big church' where we will sing a few hymns and the pastor will preach a lovely, convicting message the Lord put on his heart. I'll go home, eat lunch, and maybe do some last minute homework. 

In my first blog post I mentioned something about Jen Hatmaker. I think she is my favorite author/blogger at the moment. She is real. I can tell by her writing she loves Jesus. She's apart of this group called Help One Now. Jen went to Haiti last week with other bloggers and photographers and directors to minister to the tent cities. She wrote a powerful blog that left me in tears while she was there. Read it and weep. Literally. 

All I gotta say is, I'm grabbing a mop.  

sovereign still

Tuesday, July 3, 2012:

The teams spent the first part of the day building the wall for the future home of the orphanage. One side of the wall was finished today! Praise Him! We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. It was tiring and hot but He gave us the strength to carry on. I thank Him for that. 

My heart was glad when we finished our work at the wall because that meant it was about the time to head to Life Is Hope where all those kids have my heart. I find myself holding different kids every time we're there. Today, it was a small boy, precious eyed boy named Jevenson. He held onto to me and when I tickled him, the sound of his laughter is something I'll never forget. The quiet boy I was with yesterday found me. When I gave him attention, Jevenson would grab my hands and place them in his lap. I couldn't just ignore him so I continued to play with the other boy. Jevenson kinda got mad at me and wouldn't allow me to tickle him or hold his hand. In those moments, I wish I had a million arms so no one would be left out. But I shared my attention with both of them the best I could. He eventually got over it and put that sweet smile on his face. When the time came to leave, this sadness just overcame me and it was hard holding back the tears welling up in my eyes. My heart hurts so much when I see those huge eyes and little hands holding mine until I reach the gate that leads to our bus. When I tell him I love him and I'll see him tomorrow, I don't know if he understands me but I can't get that image out of my head. 

God gave me one those sweet reminders today with Caroline, Carly, Stevens and I on the bus singing "None But Jesus" by Hillsong. In one of the verses it says, 'In the chaos and confusion, You're sovereign still. In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will." I'm confused and weak because I have to leave these children in a few days but I know God is sovereign in their lives and in mine even though I won't be there to love on them and them love on me. He is giving me grace to do His will even though it hasn't lasted very long. I'm so thankful for those moments. Two more days here in the country of Haiti. I'm super happy and joyful for all the things God has taught me but I'm extremely sad because I have to leave people I've become close with. BUT... God is sovereign still. They will always have a place in my heart and I'll always pray for their little lives. 

 Quiet boy and me 

 Concrete passing at worksite

 Ellie in red shirt and Jevenson<3

Jevenson mad at me. 

cold fighting

My excitement for the new season has decreased since I caught this nasty sore throat, runny nose, and headache. I guess I forgot to mention the colds and sore throats that come with cold weather. Boo. But I have a method of fighting this cold so I can regain my enthusiasm for the fall weather! 

seasons of life

Happy October y'all! 

I am amazed how fast this year is going by. It feels like just yesterday I was a freshman in high school. Phew. I'm glad I'm not a freshman anymore. 

Fall is my absolute favorite season of the year. It's not blistering hot and it's not freezing cold. It's the season when all the leaves change their colors and the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks. It's the time when the Mississippi State Fair rolls into town. I love to sit in front of a bonfire, roasting s'mores, and wearing my favorite scarf. Thinking about all this fall fun is making me want to go rake leaves just to jump in them!

Like everything in life, I related the seasons changing to my walk with the Lord. Everyone of us goes through changes. We graduate high school and venture into the world, we move on from a long relationship, we get married to the man or woman God has called us to, we search for a career, and the list could go on forever. There are different seasons in our life. In the season I'm in, I'm listening to God's voice in the midst of confusion of where I'm suppose to be in His will. I've realized that I've probably put more thought into it that I should have. God is never failing, faithful, loving, strong through all of the seasons. If we seek Him wholeheartedly, we will find Him. The cliche graduation verse is Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a hope and a future." It's so sweet and astounding God has great plans for us. But sometimes I think we forget to read the rest of that passage. "In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:12-13). Yes, the Lord has great plans for us. The catch is, we have to seek Him with all of our hearts. Through every high and low season of life, I trust this with all of me. I have to be honest, there are times when I feel like God has abandoned me. These are the times when He proves Himself more and more to me. In this season, I pray that you find the Lord. You see that He is working in your life and He is leading you on the pathway of righteousness. He will always love you even when it feels like He isn't there. He is who He said He is. Know that. Trust that. Seek that. 

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 
A time to be born and a time to die. 
A time to plant and a time to harvest. 
A time to kill and a time to heal. 
A time to tear down and a time to build up. 
A time to cry and a time to laugh. 
A time to grieve and a time to dance. 
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. 
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 
A time to search and time to quit searching. 
A time to keep  and a time to throw away. 
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace....."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


Just a few of my fall favorites: 

blessings

The Lord blesses me so much. Even when I see it clearly before me and praise Him in that very moment. He even blesses me when I can barely see the road ahead of me and I become frustrated and question where He is. Sometimes I wonder why in the world does He bless such a confused, worrisome, messy person? I deserve so much less than what He's given me. 

Since July, I've wondered what God's will is for my life. Being back from Haiti, all I could see myself doing was picking up everything to move somewhere similar. I just wanted to drop everything to serve the Lord in a poor country. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life anymore. All I knew is that I desired to seek God wholeheartedly and follow His plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11-13). But for some odd reason, I thought His plan was 5 years down the road from now. During these months, I've been at Holmes Community College, the Lord has taught me that His plan is right now! I pray I'm still searching for His voice and purpose 5 years from now but that doesn't mean I can't today. He is always here and always has His arms wide open. I am overwhelmed that I always find open arms from such a mighty God. I am overwhelmed by His affections, the kindness, and the greatness of His love. So even though I still have a burden on my heart for missions, I will not sit around doing nothing waiting on a door to be opened. I will know I am in His will today. I will pray for guidance and leadership because I cannot do this on my own. 

This how the Lord has shown Himself to me with the whole 'transferring colleges' situation. By coming to community college, I somehow thought God would open up this magical door out of nowhere to be a nanny to orphans in Uganda. I'm not saying God can't do that because I know without a doubt He has done and will do that to people (Luke 12:22-34). But in my case, I was expecting it to happen to me or I almost wanted to make it happen. I always hear a still, quiet voice in the back of my head, "Be still in the presence of the Lord...wait patiently and confidently.." But what did this mean?

This past Saturday, I spent the day with a few friends from Southern Miss. One of which was gonna be my roommate. (Abbie, if you're reading this, I don't know how you are still such a great friend after all that confusion and craziness. But thank you for being patient and understanding. I am so thankful for the friendship we share, PYT!) I was beyond excited to go back down to Hattiesburg and see what I had been missing. I was able to see Abbie's apartment, watch Southern Miss's football team in action at the game, meet some freshman, and catch up with friends. I had a great time. When it was time to leave, it hit me of just how much I miss it there. Of course, more confusion and heartache came with the questions of "Why did I do this?" and "This still isn't making much sense." In the stillness of the car ride back home, He reminds me of all He had taught me through these months. Always seek His kingdom above all else (Luke 12:31). We must ask and we will find (Luke 11:10). He is always pouring His blessings over me in trials and storms. 

God willing, I will return to Southern Mississippi, hopefully get in an apartment with Abigail Sweet Manning, and continue a career in Social Work. Through prayer, I feel God's call to reach people for His glory in the field of Social Work. Where I would bring myself into people's environment to understand their situations and help them in anyway I can. Maybe through therapy, counseling, or just through being a friend. Who knows where the Lord will take me from there. He could bring me to a foreign place far away or He could keep me right here in Mississippi (Isaiah 6:8). But whatever I do and wherever I go, my desire will always be to seek Him and glorify Him all the days of my life. He deserves it.

By the way, I just want to thank whoever reads this! Even if it's just a hand full of people. I truly appreciate it. I love sharing what God is doing through me in this life. It's a blessing to be in the Lord's plan and witness His faithfulness everyday. If you're reading this and we don't know each other, even though this might be weird, hit me up and we can go grab some coffee or something! 

a sunday in port au prince

I've been stumped of what my next blog entry would be. I prayed for God to place something special upon my heart to share with the people that support me and what I love to do. He did just that. I felt led to share what I wrote in my journal the Sunday I spent in Haiti a few months ago. The week that the Lord changed my life and taught me things about life I will never forget. So here it is. Word for word in my personal journal. Straight from my thoughts and heart. 


Sunday, July 2, 2012:

Church yesterday morning was beautiful. We had the opportunity to listen to the Haitians worship in their language with their songs followed by a few people from our group arranged some songs the night before to sing in church. I was surprised to hear the Haitians sing "Here We are to Worship" along with us. Listening to the different languages together praise our God just proved to me we are different and our cultures are different but we all praise the same God! God is the God of the universe! (Hebrews 11:3) This morning in church made it more real for me. 

After eating our lunch at the house, we headed to Life Is Hope orphanage where we were able to meet all the sweet kids we'll be with all week. As soon as our bus pulled up, you could see all the children screaming and running! My heart was over flowing with joy in that moment. When we walked in the gates, the kids were clapping their hands and singing, "This is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made....". Our team was lined up facing them, in awe of their precious faces singing a song we know in Creole. After they were done singing, they CHARGED after all of us, grabbing onto an "American"! I was kinda in the back so in took a few seconds before I looked down and saw a little girl hugging my leg. I picked her up and looked into her huge white, little eyes and just wanted to be there forever with her. Everytime I put her down, she looked up at me and threw her hands up at me. How could I say no? She had my heart already. We walked around and around and around the orphanage. With her in my arms, I saw an older girl sitting by herself. Our translators taught us how to say "What's your name?" in Creole. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for me to see how well I could say it. So I stopped and asked her her name in Creole. She said, "Ellie". I guess I did pretty good since she answered back! Ellie told me she was 13 with her hands. I couldn't talk to her as much as I would've liked to because of our language barrier. I made her and the little girl still in my arms a bracelet with the salvation colors on them. Afterwards, we sat down for a bit and the little girl fell asleep right in my arms. I felt bad that I couldn't do much with Ellie beside me. So I pointed to my hair and Ellie got a comb and began braiding my hair. It was a long, painful process but at the end, I had a head of cornrows! I told her "Merci" and she understood that. About the time she finished my hair, it was time to leave. I didn't want to leave Ellie and the small girl. It took inner-strength put her down and try my best to let her know I'd be back the next day. I gave Ellie a hug and also tried my best to let her know I was coming back tomorrow. Ever since we left the orphanage today, I can't stop thinking of my little girl asleep in my arms. Like I was her comfort, her rest, her shield just in those few hours. I love her already so much. I don't want to leave Friday at all. 

"The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him." Psalms 103:13

thankful reminders

Momma and I were home alone this afternoon due to the weather.  Normally, I would've been at my Biology lab and momma would've been at work. Hurricane Isaac has been making its way past us these past few days. Therefore, my classes were cancelled and momma was sent home early. Spontaneously, we went to the movie theatre. On the drive back home, the sky was amazingly beautiful. It was crazy to think a hurricane had recently made its way through. This was such a powerful reminder for me. God brings beauty out of the storms of this life. When I go through these storms of life, all I'm able to do is pray constantly and trust the Lord. I cling to the promise that He will never forsake me nor abandon me. I'm assured by God that He is bringing me to a place full of His peace and His glory. All of hope is in the Lord. Even though I am terrified and tears enter my eyes more than often wondering where He is leading me and how this will ever happen, I consider it joy to be in His will to begin with. I keep my eyes on the goal: To see Jesus. But until then, I give my life up everyday to Him. I say to Him, "Here am I. Send me, Lord." I trust Him through the dark valley. I trust Him in the hurricanes. He is faithful to His promises. There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. 

I exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.

You refused to let my enemies 

triumph over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,

and you restored my health.

You brought me up from the grave, 

O Lord.

You kept me from falling into the

pit of death.

Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!

Praise his holy name.

For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime!

Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

When I was prosperous, I said,

"Nothing can stop me now!"

Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure

as a mountain.

Then you turned away from me,

and I was shattered.

I cried out to you, O Lord.

I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,

"What will you gain if I die,

if I sink into the grave?

Can my dust praise you?

Can it tell of your faithfulness?

Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. 

Help me, O Lord."

You have turned my mourning into

joyful dancing.

You have taken away my clothes of 

mourning and clothed me with

joy.

That I might sing praises to you and

not be silent,

O Lord my God, I will give you 

thanks forever!

Psalm 30